Where our protagonist delves down through the seven levels of her mind, and ascends up the seven levels of our fair city.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

I couldn't resist. And I didn't want to publish it in the blog my mother reads. Although, given that I haven't told anyone but B about this blog, and he doesn't really bother to check, I don't know who I'm posting for.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
It takes a couple of drinks
Sex Drive 44.7%
I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 21.4%
Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame
Fucking Sick54%
Dipped into depravity
You are 34.02% pure
Average Score: 72.7%

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Happy Easter! I woke up to discover that the easter bunny visited my house last night. I found an egg in the cupboard when I went to get a mug for my tea....

B said he passed him on the way out. (B came home after I was already in bed). Since B said the easter bunny had left him some eggs in his new motorcycle, that the ones in the house were all for me. It was so much fun finding eggs again, although the easter bunny has a strange sense of humor. Along with plastic eggs full of candy and one really big dark chocolate "golden egg" there were eggs full of marbles, thumbtacks and paperclips. We got out the easter baskets and decorations that my aunt gave us last year when we were there for easter, and now the table looks like it did when I was a little kid.

I'm studying for my big exam on Tuesday the rest of the day. I delayed it a week because I felt really underprepared. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but definately closer. Your positive thoughts and prayers for me would be much appreciated.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

The last post was supposed to be an introduction to the truely mindblowing sex B and I had the day after he got back, and about how I need to get over being neurotic about everything. Too late now to post, but I wanted to apologize for turning a potentially great entry into a complaint becuase it only got half done.

I realize the reason I don't blog much is that I write about my life to the yahoo groups I'm in, except that I use a different pseudonym there. B requested that I keep them seperate so that the things I've said there and here can't be put together by an ill wisher who decided to expose me. I'm less afraid of that, mostly because I don't think I'm so interesting that someone would decide to trace me.

I went out last night to a friends birthday party at a restaurant in the Castro. There were a lot of her other friends whom I hadn't met before, and I came home on a happy high that I rarely get when I have to meet a bunch of new folks socially. What was the difference? They talked about sex a lot. Unlike many topics, I am comfortable talking about sex. They showed their affection to each other, and those who knew me were flirty and did all sorts of things that built up my self-worth. I knew that I was wanted there. That is such a rare feeling for me. Often, I don't really think about whether I am wanted or not in a situation, but when I do, it is usually a negative thought. Unfortunately, that comes up a lot with B and our mutual friends, who mostly I think of as his friends first, and secondarily mine.

Saturday I am looking forward to going to a party hosted by the birthday girl's girlfriend.

I am really comfortable with this group of friends, and realized again last night that I usually miss the Encomia I am when I let down my guard in a group like that. I think that part of it is due to me trying so hard, and successfully, to modify my behavior and appearance to please B. Much of the modification started very early in our relationship. Before you, my formless reader, misunderstand, let me back up a bit. B and I started dating in 1998, and one of the things that attracted me to him were qualities that he possessed and I wanted to have. All 3 of the relationships I've had that I think "count" as more than friends with privileges were with men who I felt had qualities I wanted to develop. Many of my friendships also have some element of that, but to a much lesser extent. What I'm only really now starting to understand is that there is a trade-off that may not be what I am really looking for to be the way I admire(d).

B is more reserved than I am. He does a better job of assessing the social dynamic before speaking, and is less likely to cut in on someone or dominate the conversation. He doesn't have times when he regrets telling someone something that he had intended to keep to himself. He doesn't steer the conversation to sex and gender and medicine (all the issues I love to discuss) incessantly. I wanted to have more of the conversational skills he possesses. Even my father liked him when they first met. That speaks volumes for his ability to get along appropriately.

So with that in mind, I set out to relearn social skills. I asked for his feedback and help. I wanted him to point out when I was inappropriate so I could better learn to assess situations. Unfortunately, the end result was to heighten my social anxiety. I am better at not always discussing my favorite topics, and sometimes better at not interupting. But I often feel that I am not doing a good job, and hate how he would criticize me. Recently, we talked about it, and he is commenting a lot less on my behavior, which helps. But the crux of the issue may be that I should just spend more time where who I am is not just okay, but welcome and enjoyed.

Oh, and B and I had a nice fuck last night. He hit me with some of our new sticks, and I had to practice being very quiet because our downstairs neighbor was home. It was really hard, especially when he gave me not recovery time in between thwacks. Then he put me on my back and shoved his way into me. He caught one of my labia rings and that went in with him. I was afraid that it was going to hurt, but suddenly I was wonderfully wet and receptive and he was moving at a pace that pleased him. He tried to make me cum after he did, but for some reason that rarely works. For a month or two he was just focusing on his own pleasure, so I no longer expect to have an orgasm unless he decides he wants me to. I think last night was a little confusing, because he usually makes me cum before he does if he wants me to at all. So I wasn't really working towards it myself earlier when I should have. Regardless of orgasm status, I am all warm and glowy today.

Friday, January 30, 2004

B blocked my internet access a few days ago. If I am especially good, he will unblock it after I have completed everything I need to for the day. I can access it unfettered at school, but that is a deliberate thing, whereas I tend to surf at home when I am obstensibly studying. Somehow blogger wasn't blocked, but blogspot is. So I can post, but not read anyone else's blogs. I will have to check with him to see if he meant to block me from blogging. We work on an honor system. I email him sights that I have accessed that day that were not for scholastic purposes, and he decides whether or not to block them. Why do I do this?

I asked him to block my access to help me focus. I need to spend more time studying, and have fewer "this will just be a few minutes" distractions that easily eat up 2 hours of my day. I tell him where I found loopholes because even though I want to be able to sneak and access them, it's more important to me to be honest. If I set him in the position of making choices for me about how I spend my time, I need to be honest so he can make good informed decisions. Also, if I don't email him, and he decides to check the router history, he can see that I have been surfing, and not forthcoming about my activities. That dishonesty is a big no-no. Our relationship is based on trust, and lies of omission are just as bad as other kinds.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

B was away this weekend, and I stayed home, obstensibly to study. I did study, but considering I had a whole weekend, I got a lot less done that I had hoped. When he got back on Sunday, I was eager to see him. He didn't seem particularly happy. I always end up crediting that to him not wanting to see me, which is probably not true. I had been hoping the not seeing me would make him want to tear my pants off and ravish me in the entry hall, but instead he crawled into bed with a book and gave monosyllabic answers all my questions.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Remember the purity test? I was introduced to it by two friends who were active on BBSs back before the "world wide web" was a buzz word. I've always liked that sort of thing. The "am I normal?" response I suppose. So when cerrynn mentioned her score in her blog, I went searching for the test she took. I came up with three, one of which was so pointless that I'm not going to grace it with a link.

The Bondage/Dominance Sadism/Masochism Purity Test

So just how kinky are you

I like the multiple answer option on the second one, but I have to say that I agree with cerrynn, I'm not sure how kinky some of the questions are. I scored higher than she did, and although she attributed her score to having more time to explore life, I'm still pretty young and feel like there's a lot left for me to discover.

Anyway, enjoy.
I ended up talking to my sister-friend. I'll designate her L, for the name she sported the day we first met. I had decided that I was going to tell no one but B the name of my blog. I even teased a good friend of ours by saying that I had one that I wasn't telling anyone about. But talking to L felt so natural, and out if came. So now she and her darling (assuming she decided to share, I left it up to her) know. Can I keep quiet? That's unfortunately a question that has a poor track record, although one that has steadily improved in the last decade.

Encomia, anonymous means anonymous. Try to remember your reasons. I can be honest in front of B, and in front of L. But not in front of others, because I don't trust them to not tell one other, and then another from there. Significant others ruin secret keeping, you have to tell most of them as units. B and I can keep secrets from the other if asked explicitly to do so, something I find rare in couples. However, we usually share just about everything we learn. So I understand that the likelyhood of staying anonymous enough that I don't feel the urge to self-censor is slim if I tell anyone else. Too bad I'm such a shy exhibitionist.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

B work me up last night when he came to bed. Sometime between 1 and 2. I didn't actually wake up with him getting into bed, it was the icy arms and the blue-purple feeling hands reaching out and pulling me back against him that did it.

I used to get mad if he woke me up. If anyone did for that matter, but him specifically, since it happened so often. At one point, the rare occasions that he wanted sex enough to risk it, he would wake me up by turning me onto my stomach and giving me a back massage until I was in good enough humor to turn over and open myself to him.

Some switch flipped about two years ago. He came to be after going out on a date, and when he tried to turn me over, I reached up and pulled him hard down onto me. I can't say that I was awake enough to climb on top, but the languor that I normally felt, and the resistance to waking for him was gone. I kissed him hard, surprising both of us, and wrapped myself around him, inviting his entry with my movements. No delicacy here, just intense concentration on his pleasure and my own. Thus, a new pattern was set.

Last night, I almost pulled away. I want him to hold me before going to sleep. I never feel safer of more loved that in his arms. But he was so darn cold. Instead the cold seeped in enough to wake me up, and I snuggled back into him. Or perhaps I was operating on a more automatic level. I'm not sure what part of my reactions are conscious, and I know that on the physical reaction level, he has me trained to respond in certain ways.

Usually when I wiggle my ass up against him, he will turn his hips slightly so that I can't directly arouse him if he doesn't want to be sexual. This time he didn't turn away, just chuckled in the way that lets me know I've amused him by my constant desire to be fucked. Then he pushed me onto my stomach, nudged my legs apart with his knees, and bit down on the back of my neck. Maybe remnicsent or our common ancestors 500 million years ago, but I react like a female cat to being bit there. I get growlly and hold still and very very wet. B pushed into me fairly quickly, considering that starting from behind always takes a little longer it he doesn't want to force his way in. Something about the way I lubricate, I guess. That's also a change. When I feel more submissive, I like when it hurts when he enters, and therefore enjoy starting in a position that feels good to him without initially yielding me physical pleasure. The mental pleasure can be intense that way. I used to hate starting in any position that didn't immediately please me.

I didn't orgasm. I usually do when we fuck, but we've been trying something new where he worries less about me climaxing, and gets to be more selfish. I miss the surity of knowing that I will come, but more than le petit mort, I love sex. For B, sex can be stressful, so this is one idea to reduce the stress. The biggest problem has been that I plague him like the devil the next day for a repeat performance, since I'm still aroused. Of course, I'm usually aroused anyway....

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